Bingo in Smoking

It’s tough to possess the secrets of the universe.

Day after day people approach me on the street and ask, “Aleshia, what do I need in order to live a life of purpose and fulfillment?”

And I answer: “Cheese.” Obviously. Show me a person who can think of something that can’t be improved with cheese, and I’ll show you a person who has not reached his or her creative potential.

I understand that for some — bless their little cottons — cheese is not enough. Which is why, like all things worth mentioning, there is a “top five” list of life’s bare necessities:

1. Cheese
(Previously discussed.)

2. Entrance Music
I think everyone will agree that there is no better way to announce to the world that, yes, you have arrived and yes, your arrival implies awesomeness than if Funkadelic’s “Freak of the Week” played every time you walked into a room. This could be decidedly inconvenient if walking in late for a final or if you (accidentally or intentionally) entered an “opposite” restroom. I suppose since we are operating within the city limits of Hypotheticalville, we could amend the entrance music to sound only when we need it most and not necessarily always in an entrance-type situation, like when we get strikes in bowling or when a salesperson is helpful.

Five Really, Really Good Entrance Music Songs (in no particular order)

1. Europe - The Final Countdown
2. Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone
3. Johnny Rivers - Secret Agent Man
(commonly mistaken for “Secret Asian Man,” thus making it ideal for individuals of oriental descent or those who would like to be)
4. Lenny Kravitz - American Woman
5. Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me

3. An Alias
Above any other human right, everyone deserves an alter ego. If for no other reason, you always have a reliable person on whom to blame your shortcomings and the deletion of answering machine messages.

Five Notable Musical Aliases

1. Elvis “Napoleon Dynamite” Costello
2. Garth “Chris Gaines” Brooks
3. Prince “Alexander Nevermind”/”Joey Coco”/”Jamie Starr”/”Paisley Park”/”Camille”/”Weird Symbol Thingy” (Rogers Nelson — who’da thunk?)
4. David “Ziggy Stardust” Bowie
5. John “Mel Torment” Lennon

4. A Signature Sign-Off
Of equal importance to trumpeting your arrival, your exit, when you choose, should be solid and finite. We can pretend all we like, but there is no better way to control an unruly crowd of admirers than to answer everyone’s impending questions with a single comment.

Top Five Signature Sign-Offs Which Most Readily Leap to Mind

1. “Seacrest out!” - Ryan Seacrest
2. “And that’s the way it was.” - Walter Cronkite
3. “Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.” - Jimmy Durante
4. “Take care of yourselves and each other.” - Jerry Springer
5. “Bon appétit!” - Julia Child

5. Bacon

TRICKS AND TREATS

Funkadelic - Freak of the Week
Sheena Easton - Sugar Walls, as written by Alexander Nevermind
Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust