Bingo in Smoking

There are some irritations in this world that I tolerate willingly and happily. However, these things never relate to my work. My first exposure to how the working world was supposed to operate (outside the context of my parents, who simply disappeared every day while I went to the babysitter’s house and threw hats into the lake) was Curious George. Every day the Man in the Yellow Hat, who was evidently able to find gainful employment at the Adventurers Club after illegally smuggling African primates into the US, would leave for work and come home chipper and upbeat and ready to tackle the problems that George and his Curiousness had caused during the day. I thought this is what it was to go to work, and I was confused when my parents would complain about it. “Come on, guys,” I thought, “The Man in the Yellow Hat has plenty of time and energy and enthusiasm and patience. Maybe you could get some tips from him at lunch.”

Ah, how wrong I was. Not only did I get the inkling that a porn-infested factory was probably not where The Man in the Yellow Hat spent his waking hours, I later learned that he is entirely fictional. Bum-mer. I could use a friend like The Man today.

Although I would probably hate him and fantasize about punching him in the face, for I work with … dun-dun-DUNNNN … academics.

I very recently was dealing with a situation where a member of staff provided information which indicated that he would be teaching during the next school year. His colleagues insisted that he was not teaching. “He told ME this was his last year!” they cried, “I’m confused! [EDITOR'S NOTE: As usual!]” So, I sent an e-mail to this member of staff. No answer. I then sent an e-mail to this member of staff’s line manager. “Could you please confirm whether this member of staff is teaching next year?” I asked. “I can’t seem to get ahold of him.”

Their reply was something to this effect: I’ll see if I can get hold of him. There is no such word as “ahold.”

As former president of the Grammar Club, this is the equivalent of a “Yo Momma” joke. First of all, SIR, “ahold” is dialectical and is so commonplace that it is considered acceptable in everyday lexicon. Secondly, what the FLIP does this have to do with the question I asked? And finally, SCREW YOU! AND YOUR MOM!

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